Any family is like a separate state with its own laws. We, parents, ourselves set the rhythm we need, and the children only pick it up. Only we ourselves can provide our children with normal mental development. But, unfortunately, many do not attach serious importance to all this, thereby violating the family hierarchy.
So what should not happen in a family with children?
You can not become a mother-girlfriend and dad-friend for children
Yes, of course, we all strive to be friends with our children, it seems to us that it is much easier to build relationships this way. But in no case should you turn your child into a pillow for crying. Here is an example. A mother shares details of her personal life with her daughter. She tells how her father insults her, knows about his betrayals, rudeness. So she dumps all this negativity on her child, hoping to find support in him, or maybe she wants to turn the child against her father. And what is the result?
The status of the child in the family should not be equal to the parent! In our case, the daughter will start to have a turmoil in her soul. It is unpleasant for her to hear bad things about any of her parents, her role is mixed, her strength is weakened. And the daughter of her strength should spend on communicating with her peers and her brothers / sisters. And after all, the very laughter that a mother wants to attract her daughter with her revelations, but in the end, on the contrary, she moves away from her!
You can’t tell children about your relationship before marriage, first love, first kiss, etc. The child should not know about what is happening in bed with mom and dad. The door to the parents' bedroom for the child must always be closed! And tight! Yes, children know and understand perfectly well that this door exists, but that's all! In addition, overly frank relationships with children lead to the fact that parents lose their authority over them!
You can not change places with children
For example, take a family where one or both parents use alcohol or chemicals. Here children become parents to their parents! After all, the behavior of a father or mother will be immoral, the children will scold them, make sure that they do not use, “resurrect” them after another breakdown. Suppose a father uses, then the son becomes, as it were, in his place, becoming a husband for his mother. No, not in an intimate way, but in terms of solving problems, responsibility, etc. As a result, the son has no friends, a closed "adult" life, he all his life he had to hide his father's dependence, therefore no one came to his house, and he did not speak frankly with any of his peers in a hurry.
Or another example. A mother dies in the family, as a result, the daughter takes over all her household duties, helps her father, takes care of him. She loses her childhood, and already in adulthood, having entered into marriage, she becomes a mother to her husband.
Can't share children
Let's say that in a family it happens that there is a beloved daughter, and there is an unloved one. The second feels it, she is lonely, she lacks the attention of her parents. As a result, she has early sexual relations due to her dislike, early pregnancies. She clings to men all her life. No matter for what, just to prove to yourself, your parents and everyone around that there is something to love her for.
Or, let's say, in a family there are no loved ones and unloved ones, children are equal. The father is cruel, very authoritarian, so the children, as it were, unite in a coalition against him. The most interesting thing is that this weakens the strength of the mother.
Another example, it's upside down a bit. Dad spends a lot of time with his sons. Mom does not fit their male interests. As a result, she weakens. She does not have someone with whom she can also create something in common. Therefore, he begins to spend more time with his parents, makes lovers, or simply goes to a psychotherapist. There should be no such division in the family; both parents should take care of the children.
Don't deprive your children of a child's life. While the child serves your needs, pens, listens to your complaints, he is not able to spend energy on himself! And then it will definitely “come out” in his adult life.
The original article is posted here: https://kabluk.me/psihologija/chego-ne-dolzhno-proishodit-v-seme-gde-est-deti.html
