A lot of marriages end due to the lack of communication in a couple. Normal, effective, meaningful communication. Once my husband and I also went to a psychologist, and he still did not understand why we came to him. He said that they turn to a psychologist in the case when the couple is unable to save the relationship on their own, and outside help is required.
But I read a lot of information about relationships on the Internet. And I know exactly how important communication is to truly healthy relationships. It's good that I have an adequate husband who agrees with me in this regard.
Due to the lack of normal communication between a man and a woman, relationships collapse, marriages break up. Neither common loans, nor common property, nor common children save. Nothing will save if there is nothing left to save. We all enter into relationships with our own habits, needs, expectations and boundaries. But the problem is that we either do not talk about it to everyone, or we say it, but it is wrong.
Now about what communication habits tell you that your relationship is about to end. This is no longer my experience and not my observations. These are the studies of psychologist John Gottman, who has observed and studied relationships between men and women for several decades. The specialist named 4 basic communication habits that break even seemingly very strong alliances!
Criticism
Just imagine if every time your significant other got upset about you, she blamed everything on your behavior, your character, your habits, your work, etc. The fact is that when a conflict arises, you need to focus on the problem, and not on partner. This is how criticism works. A problem has arisen - and criticism does not solve it, but furnishes everything in such a way that there is something wrong with the person. Now, if you think about it, remember all such situations in your relationship, you can understand that this is really so!
See an example. The husband's wife asked to wash the dishes, and then she goes into the kitchen, but the piles of plates are still lying around unwashed. The wife flashes: “You don’t help me at all! You do not respect me! You don't care about me! I always have to do everything myself! " From a person comes criticism of character, behavior, and not paying attention to the problem.
Protection
A partner who receives criticism on a regular basis begins to defend himself. He just feels the attack, and he has no choice but to put a defense in front of himself. But it looks from the outside, as if he does not want to take responsibility and shifts the blame from himself.
Let's continue the same situation with unwashed dishes: “This is not so! Sometimes you don’t wash the dishes either! ” As a result, no one even solves the problem.
Of course, when a person begins to criticize, they begin to attack him, the first thing he wants is to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling of shame. So he begins to defend himself, and he can also begin to pour criticism in response.
In this quarrel, even all old and long-forgotten problems can emerge, but you can just concentrate on solving a specific problem!
Neglect
Contempt follows criticism. When a person begins to taunt his partner, calls him names, humiliates him, lets go of sarcastic jokes. Sarcasm in a quarrel generally sounds very rude! One gets the impression that one partner is superior over the other, but is this how it should be in a relationship? Even when passions, as they say, are heating up, it is important to maintain love and respect for each other!
Silence in conflict
Criticism, defense, contempt are, of course, bad. But silence in a conflict situation is no less bad. Yes, this is another way to protect yourself from the attack of the second half, but again, because of this, the problem is not solved.
For example, there is a quarrel, and one of the partners leaves for another room, or even out of the house, just keeps silent or avoids eye contact. As a result, the problem is not solved at all, but on the contrary, everything is only getting worse. Someone will say that sometimes it is very helpful to take a break to calm down. Yes, but only a pause, and not completely abandon the conversation, as if punishing your partner with ignorance and showing your contempt and disrespect. This is not normal at all!
Have you encountered such communication problems?
The original article is posted here: https://kabluk.me/psihologija/4-privychki-v-obshhenii-govoryashhie-chto-otnosheniyam-konec.html
