20 quotes by Lyudmila Petranovskaya about raising children

1. About children's tears

We often see adults trying to distract a crying baby, to switch his attention: "Oh, look, the bird flew / the dog ran!" Some make it even worse, rudely ordering "Don't cry!" The situation with boys is even worse. After all, they are often hammered into their heads with the thought "boys don't cry." So they live, swallowing tears and becoming emotional invalids who cannot understand what is going on in their souls and how to react to the tears of those around them. Lyudmila Petranovskaya in her book "Secret Support" advises to let the child cry.

"Do you want a child to cope with life? This means that all childhood comfort, embrace, accept his feelings. Don't say “Don't cry,” don't try to distract or distract. Help him cope with stress, stay alive, and get out of it, and not swallow unpleasant feelings and freeze. "

2. How to calm down correctly

Many people often saw the picture: a screaming child and a screaming mother who shouts to him "Calm down!" But no matter how loudly she screams, the child does not calm down. He simply cannot do this due to the immaturity of his brain. After all, for example, the neocortex, which is responsible for controlling emotions, matures only by the age of 7. This is how Lyudmila Petranovskaya advises to calm down, based on knowledge of the psychology and physiology of children.

“If we want the child not to hear and understand, we first need to calm his limbic system. Remove stress, make it clear that we are still his parents, and still ready to protect and care. Hug, comfort, speak his feelings so that he understands that you are in touch with him, understand and feel him. "

3. About parental reactions

It is from the parents that the child reads reactions, patterns of behavior. If you want him to grow up to be a flexible person who is able to change his behavior depending on the situation, react differently to his requests or, say, whims.

“It is important that in the process of collisions with you the child receives a different type of response. So that sometime they would be inferior to him, and sometime not conceded, that sometime they would be transferred to the game, and sometime they would agree, and sometime in a different way. So that, like in life, there are different options. "

4. About the first months of a baby's life

Newly-made mom's experienced friends or relatives love to give advice that the baby should be raised from birth. So that he does not get used to the pens, so that he does not manipulate tears, etc. Here is what Lyudmila Petranovskaya thinks about this.

"There is no need to bring up a newborn. There is no need to torture him and yourself. Nature intended that the mother in the first months of her life almost never part with the child. This is actually a very short time, it will pass quickly, and then you will not return it. Everything can wait: work, friends, household, all this is not going anywhere. And for a future relationship with a child, these months are priceless. "

5. On the crisis of negativism

When remembering the crises of growing up, many parents begin to twitch their eyes. The child can throw things, deny everything, refuse any offers. It is very important at such moments to withstand and not break it. After all, we do not want our children to grow up weak-willed people who agree with everything, make concessions with everyone.

“It turns out that the crisis of negativism is not just a test for parental nerves, given to us for unknown reasons. This is the time when your child learns to insist on his own, to conflict. And you, as an experienced coach, can help him master different strategies of behavior in a conflict. You are not fighting him, you are not an opponent - you are a coach, a sparring partner. You can't learn to play tennis alone. "

6. About childhood fears

Do not dismiss a child when he is afraid of something. And even more so, you shouldn't scoff at his feelings. If you want, of course, that when he grows up, he shares his innermost things with you.

"Since childhood fear speaks in the language of images, it is also possible to cope with it with the help of imagination. Child psychologists often suggest that children draw, play out their fear. Then the drawing, if the child wants, can be torn and burned, buried, flushed down the toilet. You can change it by making the scary image funny and ridiculous. And sometimes it helps to compose a story about him. "

7. About the fourth trimester of pregnancy

The period from birth to three months is called the fourth trimester of pregnancy. At this time, it is important to "inform" the child.

"The meaning of wearing out is simple and understandable, if you only remember that the child has not yet been fully born: you need to let him again stay in conditions similar to the usual ones, to his life in the womb, because he is not yet different knows. Closely, from all sides, cover with soft and warm (hands, diapers), swing, as a woman's belly sways when any movement, fence off the world with a cocoon of monotonous, but rather loud sounds, as it was in the stomach of mom... Do not pull out into loneliness ahead of time, it will not add independence to the child, and peace to the parents. "

8. About the ability to take care of yourself

There are people who know how to take care of themselves. Do not scold, once something did not work out. They give themselves a rest in time, without bringing them to exhaustion.

“The ability to take care of oneself does not fall from the sky. It is formed as a result of the care received from others. "

9. About praise

Sometimes parents are afraid to over praise their child. Should not be doing that. After all, when he grows up, he will concentrate on his failures and not notice what he has managed to achieve.

"Teach your child to see and acknowledge their own accomplishments. This is not easy, because in our culture, praising yourself is considered shameful, wrong. Only you can teach a child to rejoice at everyone, even if a little progress forward, to compare himself not with an unattainable ideal, but with himself yesterday, be proud of his successes. "

10. About violation of borders

We often violate the boundaries of children without thinking about it. But this concern about the boundaries of the child is the basis of respect for him.

"Another frequent case of border violations is the demand to" do it immediately. " For some reason, many adults think that if a child does not instantly give up everything he was doing and does not run to carry out their instructions, this is a sign of disrespect. In fact, disrespect means addressing a person not with a request, but with an order, without being interested in his plans and desires. "

11. About helping with lessons

Sometimes we do our own lessons for the children, doing them a disservice. Sometimes we cry when we see a carelessly or incorrectly completed task. And we often scare "if you don't study, you will become a two-man." So the lessons gradually, day by day, become the reef on which the child's affection for parents breaks.

"If a child sobs in despair over a problem that cannot be solved in any way, or does not cry, but gets angry and throws notebooks, it is useless to prompt him with a solution. Ask him to put the task aside, come up to you, if he is still small, take him in your arms, if he is large, hug him. Shake, whisper something affectionate or funny, but in no case about the fact that "you don't need to be so nervous", "you can't give up right away", "why get so angry", etc. Let her calm down. If you are very worried, take a break, drink tea. And only then return to the task. "

12. About harmfulness 

Sometimes children seem to break loose from the chain. What is behind this behavior?

"You are sitting at the table, carried away by an interesting conversation, and the child seems to have broken loose from the chain: making noise, running, jerking you. This is attachment behavior: he gets anxious when he sees that a stranger has taken over your attention and wants your attention as confirmation that your relationship is okay. "

13. About constant criticism

The older children get, the more parental criticism falls upon them. And at some point, they just stop responding to it.

"If words of disapproval and threats from a parent are constantly poured on the child, because of any trifle, his the limbic system just gets tired of turning on the alarm, it replies: "Well, wolves, wolves, a hundred times already wolves, tired. And I will not think to react. "

14. About support

“I told you, I warned you,” - this is how we often react when some consequences come. And we can still add fuel to the fire.

“It is important that the parents do not gloat when the consequences occur, but sympathize and continue to support the child. That is, they stayed with him, on one side of the barricade, and together they solved the problem that had arisen.

15. About the carrot and stick method

Quite a popular parenting method in many families. But he, according to Lyudmila Petranovskaya, is wrong.

"If we raise a child with rewards and punishments, we are doing him a disservice, misleading about the way the world works."

16. About permissiveness

Some parents allow their child everything, agree with everything, support him in everything. For example how Olya Polyakova supports her daughter Masha in everything. But this is also the wrong strategy.

“A child needs to receive information from adults about what is good and what is bad, including criticism of his actions and judgments. Then he has landmarks, a coordinate system, values ​​that he can, of course, not accept, but even in order to argue with them, you first need to get an idea about them. "

17. About effective praise

Sometimes children do not like direct praise, especially if the parents praise the child very often. Then such a life hack will come to the rescue.

"Indirect praise is very effective when you pour out your enthusiasm not directly on the child, but in front of him - to the father or grandmother who came home from work on the phone."

18. About physical punishment

Alas, physical methods of punishment are still present in modern families. And many parents, hitting a child, then regret it.

"As soon as you learn to say to yourself, at least not aloud, but to yourself:" I beat my child, "you will be surprised how much your ability to self-control will grow."

19. About active listening

Over time, children stop telling us their stories. And all because they often see that their parents are not interested in listening to them.

"Use active listening techniques. “I see that you’re afraid”, “Of course you don’t want us to leave”, “I understand how you don’t want to do your homework.”

20. About children's uniqueness

"Every child is unique. Cutting it at your own will is like taking a new interesting book off the shelf, not reading it with enthusiasm, but immediately starting to edit in red pencil, looking for mistakes and changing the plot. "

It will also be interesting for you to read:

"Do not be afraid to raise a sissy out of him!": 20 tips for raising a son from Margarita Sichkar

"I always smell her": Polyakova shared the secrets of raising her daughter Masha