How to Save a Marriage: Secrets of EFT Therapy

Family is one of the most important values ​​in human life. And in their youth, few people do not dream of a happy marriage. Alas, sometimes a dream comes true in half. There is a marriage, but there is little or no happiness in it. Spouses quarrel, constantly find out who is right and who is wrong, but the gap between them is only widening. What to do if you still want to, in spite of everything, to save relations? There is Marriage Emotionally Focused Therapy that is specifically designed to work with couples. How it works, we talked with eft-therapist Alena Skorik.

What is eft therapy

This therapy is called Emotionally Focused because it helps to achieve emotional intimacy in a couple, to restore a safe relationship, so it works primarily with emotions. She helps each of the partners to understand what he feels and what his loved one feels next to him, why he behaves in a certain way, including during conflicts.

“Conflicts in a couple most often occur according to the same scenarios. In eft-therapy they are called negative cycles, as well as dances. Indeed, in close relationships, everything happens as in a pair dance, where each movement of one partner determines the response "pas" of the other. At the same time, emotions are the music to which the couple dances. People fall into a negative cycle when they feel like they are losing touch with their partner. And then they are trying with all their might to preserve it. How they will do this depends, among other things, on the previous experience of relationships with loved ones, ”

- says Alena Skorik.

Why are we drifting apart

There are three negative scenarios that partners "dance" when they are faced with a situation of threat to their connection. The EFT therapist described the scenario that is used most often. So, feeling that something is going wrong in the relationship, one partner tries to restore contact, chasing the other, pulling him: “Talk to me”, “You are not enough for me you devote time "," You can't hear me ", etc. In turn, the other partner, behind these words, does not recognize the call for contact, but hears only dissatisfaction with him and accusations. Trying to protect himself from these attacks and not aggravate the conflict by clarifying the relationship, he withdraws into himself, withdraws.

“In both the first and second cases, the goal is the same - to preserve the relationship. But ineffective methods are used for this. Why is this happening? Because inside there is anxiety and panic, the feeling that I am losing contact with a loved one, and everyone copes with this as he can. But these ways to restore relations (strategies of "pursuit" and "detachment") do not bring closer, but move away ",

- explains Alena Skorik. The first, seeing the poker face of the second, understands: “I am not needed, I am not important,” and begins to pursue even more. The second, in response to the increasing onslaught, is even further removed. So an ice wall gradually grows between husband and wife.

Whom eft therapy is not suitable for

See what kind of "dance" the couple is dancing, what emotion inside and how a person tries to cope with them is the task of the first diagnostic sessions of eft-patience. Also at this stage it becomes clear to whom this particular type of therapy is not suitable.

“These are, first of all, couples in which partners have different needs. For example, one goes to therapy to repair a relationship, while the other is determined to end it. And he comes to a psychologist only because it is difficult to admit it to himself. Or he has already understood everything for himself, but the partner does not hear, cannot believe it ",

- says Alena Skorik.

Also, for a long time, a contraindication to EFT therapy was physical or emotional abuse in family. But now everything is not so strict. “If physical violence is sociopathic in nature, it is a way to assert oneself, if a person takes pleasure in humiliating another, then eft therapy is contraindicated. In this case, there is a danger that one partner will open up during the session, show his vulnerability, and the other will take advantage of it, - explains Alena Skorik. - If this is not a pathological story, and physical collisions are, for example, a way to reach partner who withdraws, or say "don't touch me", then with this already EFT therapists today work. "

How does eft therapy work?

The diagnostic stage traditionally includes four sessions. The first is general, and then there are separate sessions with each of the partners so that the therapist can learn more about the story. attachments, relationships with significant people, about some injuring, possibly traumatic events in the life of each of partners. Because it affects how a person will build their relationship with a partner in marriage. And in the fourth, final, diagnostic session, the therapist shows the couple that he has learned about their "dancing", a therapeutic contract is concluded and the therapy process begins. “During it, the couple learns from anger, resentment, indignation to see that there is such a vulnerable inside that guides them in the conflict, and talk about it to their partner. And this is very difficult for many. Because it is easier to give instructions “you are doing wrong, you have to do this” than to say: “It hurts when you do this / I’m scared. I'm afraid of losing you, ”explains Alena Skorik.

For eft therapy, as a rule, 16-40 sessions are needed. Their number depends on the willingness of partners to be involved in the therapeutic process not only in sessions, but also at home, how far the conflict between them went, on how difficult each partner had previous experience relationships. Most often, sessions at first take place once a week, and already at the final stage they can be once every 2-3 weeks. Thus, it will take at least 4 months.

What you can do yourself

There is a way to do eft therapy without the help of a specialist. Its creator Sue Johnson wrote a book "Hug me tighter. 7 dialogues for love for life ”. “At its core, this is a training book. There are given examples of dialogues, how it is necessary to communicate with each other. You can read it with your partner, discuss and practice advice, ”says Alena Skorik. The psychologist also advises not to be afraid to look inside yourself and talk about your feelings. “You can say,“ You know, when you do this, it seems to me that you don’t appreciate me / I don’t so important to you, etc. If it's still too hard for you to talk about it, you can write note. Only in it, again, it is important to follow the wording. “You don’t care about us, you don’t think about me, you are inattentive, etc.” - this is already an accusation. When we blame, we get into a cycle, we start to "dance". The partner will either defend and attack in response, or will close. Write about your feelings and your needs: “I am in pain / scared / hard. I would like to know for sure that I am important to you / I would like you not to push me away. " If each partner decides to show his deepest emotions, his vulnerability and will be in it carefully and with love met, supported, it will help to restore emotional closeness and feel safe in the relationship, "- I'm sure Alena Skorik.

Quotes from the book "Hold Me Tight"

«The reason for the breakdown of marriages is not an escalated conflict, but a loss of affection and emotional sensitivity. "

“All anger, irritation, criticism and demands are actually a cry of despair. This is an attempt to reach out to loved ones. Awaken their hearts. Bring back an emotional response and restore a previous sense of secure intimacy»

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