Physical violence in the family is a problem that is being somehow solved today. There is a lot of talk about this on TV, the stars are openly sharing their sad experiences. Even in the subway there are reminders about what to do and where to run if you are faced with threats and beatings from your spouse. However, there is a more "subtle" and sophisticated type of violence - emotional abuse. It is also called invisible violence, because, at first glance, it is almost impossible to recognize such violence.
Today, few people do not know about toxic people and toxic relationship. A toxic (literally poisonous) relationship is one in which one partner, intentionally or involuntarily, "poisons", suppresses and humiliates the other. We can easily determine the degree of toxicity of a friend's relationship with a young man, or even a neighbor's mother with her child. Why, psychologically we are so savvy that we can determine the level of toxicity of relationships with our own parents. However, when it comes to the internal situation in the family, even the most striking signs of "toxicity" seem to blur and become commonplace.
You can be subjected to emotional abuse (or, as it is now called, abuse) for many years without even noticing it and considering your relationship with your spouse to be quite normal. However, emotional abuse is insidious because it undermines a person from the inside. In the future, the victim of such violence can get a whole bunch of unpleasant consequences - slide into alcohol or drug addiction, develop depression or phobic anxiety disorderabout.
Emotional domestic abuse often leads to depression and anxiety disorders / istockphoto.com
Getting out of a sad relationship isn't easy. However, the sooner you realize that you are a victim of emotional abuse, the less time it will take you to recover and the less psychological problems you will have in the future. You can define emotional abuse in a family by the following criteria.
You try your best not to anger your partner.
You are constantly thinking about how to say something correctly. In ordinary conversations, you try to choose words, for serious conversations - guess a convenient time so that your loved one is "in the mood." This means that you are constantly ready for a negative reaction (ridicule, insults) from your partner and all the time you control yourself in order to avoid this reaction.
In a conversation with an abuser, you constantly run the risk of running into a flash / istockphoto.com
Your partner often jokes at you and does it quite offensively.
Light teasing and jokes that only the two of you can understand are an essential part of a relationship. However, if these jokes are very painful (for example, your partner makes fun of your shortcomings or failures), this is already a sign of abuse. Most often, after such ridicule, they tell you that this is just a joke, and they reproach you for being too touchy.
You are often told "you make up" and "this was not the case"
The partner constantly denies your words and memories, thereby distorting your perception of reality. In psychology, this behavior is called "gaslighting". Those who have been exposed to gaslighting for a long time, over time themselves begin to doubt whether what they are talking about really happened. The next stage is doubts about how adequately you assess reality. And then you perceive all the events of your life only through the prism of your beloved's assessments.
You constantly report where you were and with whom
The emotional abuser wants to control you. He can call 5-7 times a day. At first glance, this looks like caring, but in fact, the partner is trying to penetrate your (free from him) time in this way. Constant control extends not only to "where, when and with whom." Your partner wants to know what you did, what you talked about and what you thought. In the future, expect a rigid framework: a loved one will determine himself with whom you can communicate, and who has a "bad influence" on you.
Abuser requires you to report regularly: where, when and with whom you spend time / istockphoto.com
You are often "punished" for bad behavior
Each abuser has his own punishment. Someone restricts the "guilty" partner in sex, someone "cuts funding", someone stops communicating or disappears altogether for several days. The abuser delicately gropes for what can cause you maximum pain, and uses this tool as a whip.
Your accomplishments are shown as insignificant
Your partner perceives all your strengths, success in work or even at home as something insignificant. Even more: it is your benefits that your beloved is trying to devalue as much as possible. In every successful case, he looks for and surely finds flaws, thereby developing a total lack of self-esteem.
All your achievements and reasons for pride are criticized and devalued by the abuser / istockphoto.com
You apologize even if you weren't to blame
At first, it's easier for you to ask for forgiveness than to prove your case. Subsequently, you begin to really feel guilty. The partner systematically convinces you that the "root of evil" in the relationship lies precisely in you - in your stupidity, selfishness, insecurity, and so on. It works: from now on, for any outburst of a partner, you find the reason in yourself. And the feeling of guilt becomes your constant companion.
You feel sorry for your partner, even if they offend you
Your loved one often crushes pity. He can justify his aggression, anger or prejudice by the negative experience of the past (for example, he was beaten in childhood, he faced treason, survived the betrayal of a friend). Or, again, it plays on your feelings of guilt - for example, you made it so that he no longer trusts you. As a result, you sincerely feel sorry for the person who is next to you, despite all your shortcomings.
You will also be interested in reading:
You're in a toxic relationship: top 4 lessons to learn to leave
How to tell if you are in a toxic relationship: the main signs
Psychological abuse: how to prosecute, and what is the evidence base
