We are arranged in a very strange way. Everything that happens in our life now, for example, problems with socialization, at work, in personal relationships - everything comes straight from our childhood. If we talk specifically about women, then we are talking about their terrible relationship with their mothers. It is at the heart of many problems that these very relationships with mother lie, and from this, the grown-up daughter has a lot of problems in the future.
Mom is the person who knows about all the pain points of her daughter. And she can put pressure on them at any time, maybe even unconsciously.
Yes, mothers are different. There are kind, understanding and accepting their child by anyone. There are tyrant moms, narcissistic mums, control-obsessed, irresponsible. If a woman has a child, this does not mean that she is higher than the rest, childless. And not every mother can be called good. I agree that each of us has our own pictures in our heads about this. For someone, a good mother is the one who provided and did not scold, for someone - the one who was always there in difficult times. How many people, so many opinions. But now we are talking about this, so to speak, kind of mothers who spoil the life of their grown daughters!
Now there are many psychologists who work with women who have had to “fight” with their mothers for a long time. Since childhood, they have struggled with criticism, competition, emotional abuse and mother control. And now, having matured and having flown away from under their mother's wing for a long time, they cannot fully live in this world, because in themselves insecure, do not believe in themselves, believe that they are worthless, not worthy of love, etc. And yet these women are afraid to become like that. same mothers.
It is a mistake to believe that every woman who becomes a mother becomes caring and loving. We were taught from childhood that one cannot speak badly of a mother: “She’s a mother!”, But all this is a myth that unloving mothers hide behind. Any attempts to talk about it boil down to the fact that the daughters are accused of ingratitude and selfishness.
It is not customary in society to even admit the thought that a mother may not love her child! Could the person who gave you life not love you? Yes, unfortunately it can. And it is very scary to realize this. It's much easier to just say, "I have a strained relationship with my mom" or "mom is just that kind of person." And my mother may, in fact, regretted a thousand times that she had given birth to a daughter, she just never spoke about it aloud. Well, anything can happen. For example, the pregnancy was unplanned, it was necessary to forget about the career because of the birth of a child, or the daughter was born from a bad man who abandoned her. So daughters receive either excessive care or complete inattention, and generally do not associate their problems in adulthood with their relationship with their mother in childhood.
The girl, who was ignored by her mother in childhood, suppressed her, controlled her, and maybe even beat her, grows up closed, angry, downtrodden. She can have many positive advantages, she can be smart, beautiful and successful, but she does not seem to see all this. Why? But because my mother in childhood did not give love and respect, because there are huge holes in the soul and heart that the mother made, and which do not heal. Daughters are all trying to become even better so that mom would someday notice it and say: “How I love you, you are such a fine fellow”, “Forgive me for everything, you are the best, smart, beautiful”. But mothers are silent, so all achievements and dignity are reset ...
How to understand that your mother is spoiling your life?
- She criticizes and humiliates you.
- She blames everything on you.
- She ascribes to herself your achievements, and when everything collapses, she blames you.
- It prevents you from making decisions on your own.
- She communicates well with you in public, but in private she is cold.
- She competes and competes with you.
- She flirts with your partner, showing that she is better than you.
- She tries to live her life through you.
- She forces you to devote a lot of time to her.
- She assures you that you are constantly making her nervous.
- She manipulates you, for example, with the help of money.
- She threatens that she will do you badly if she doesn't get what she wants.
Yes, there is already no point in talking about some kind of maternal love. It simply does not exist. Psychologists also recommend that grown-up daughters answer the following questions so that you can understand exactly how your relationship with your mother affects you.
1. Have you ever wondered if your mother loves you, and were you ashamed that you felt her dislike for yourself?
2. Do you feel obligated to make everyone around you happy?
3. Do you think that your mother's wants and needs are much higher than yours?
4. Do you feel you must earn your mother's love?
5. Do you think that whatever you do for your mom is not enough?
6. Do you feel guilty about being led by others?
7. Do you hide a lot from your mother because you know that she can use it against you?
8. Do you constantly need your mother's approval?
9. Are you afraid of having children because they might become "as unhappy as I am"?
10. Do you feel worthless, guilty, and fearful despite having accomplished a lot?
Answering yes to these questions directly indicates that you have a bad relationship with your mother. But you don't have to blame yourself for this. You need to understand this in order to live a full life. And psychologists can help with this. The main thing is not to be afraid to contact them, because otherwise you will never gain confidence in life, and you will not cope with your complexes!
The original article is posted here: https://kabluk.me/psihologija/kakim-obrazom-i-zachem-nekotorye-materi-portyat-zhizn-svoim-podrosshim-docheryam.html
