Dealing With Shame

The feeling of shame is familiar to everyone. But did you know that shame can be useful and useless? Let's figure out how it is.

When shame is bad

1. You know you haven't really done anything wrong, but you are ashamed anyway.

2. Shame unreasonably plagues you and causes significant mental suffering.

3. Your self-esteem drops dramatically every time you feel ashamed. And it happens quite often.

When Shame Is Good

1. You have committed an offense, you are ashamed, you promise yourself not to do this anymore (the simplest example is a hangover).

2. You are ready to commit an offense, but you feel ashamed and you abandon your plans (for example, in the case of potential adultery).

But there is another series of situations - when shame is simply useless, that is, it does not bring any harm or benefit.

When shame is useless

1. You repeatedly replay conversations and situations in your head, think about what should have been done, ashamed yourself for the words you said or not. This makes no sense anymore.

2. You want to tell your loved ones the good news from your life: you have been promoted, you have done the long-awaited purchase, you are traveling, etc. - but every image you stop yourself and be ashamed of what you want to tell.

3. You are ashamed of situations from the distant past that can no longer be changed and cannot be influenced. For example, you have been teased and despised by your peers. Or, on the contrary, you were the aggressor.

How do you know what kind of shame you are experiencing?

The purpose of shame as an emotion is to teach a lesson, to motivate people to avoid repeating mistakes. Accordingly, if you have not done anything wrong at all, there is nothing to be ashamed of yourself.

If it is impossible to take a lesson out of the situation and correct it, you also need to get rid of such shame.

How to deal with shame (harmful and useless)

1. Pay attention to situations in which this shame arises. Most often they are similar and repetitive.

2. Ask your inner "I" why you need this emotion in a particular situation, what it gives you.

3. Get distracted. Recognize that your feelings of shame are unfounded - and turn this page, turn your attention to something else.

You will also find it helpful to read:

• 5 ways to counter the optimism around you
• How to become kinder to yourself if self-criticism gets in the way
• 5 Signs Your Stress Is Dangerous