No one in the world we do not like as much as our children. They - the most precious thing in the life of every parent. At the same time it is our adorable offspring are able to get us out of balance like no other. Conflict can erupt out of nowhere: "I do not want to sleep / eat / go to school", "Buy me this," "I will not wear it." First, we respond to all of these applications by a child calmly, then annoyed, then angry and now the conflict erupted. And it is we, the parents, it is necessary after look for ways to get out of it so that the row has not left "scars" on the child's soul, and might be useful for his psycho-emotional development. Because the child is still not able to fully control their emotions, and our task is to help him.
Professor of psychology at Harvard and founder of the international negotiations on the program, the author of books on applied psychology, translated into many languages of the world, Daniel Shapiro in an interview Psychology Today advises how to resolve the conflict with the child.
Breathe out and ask yourself one question. Children are the people close to us, we try to give them only the best, and so it is particularly sad when we get back whims. Therefore, when the escalating conflict there is a risk that the emotion will absorb you so much that you can not think rationally. There is a feeling that the situation is getting out of control. And every time you are going to re-take it under control and focus, the child says or does something that again removes you from the emotional balance.
Professor Shapiro advises how to avoid such a situation. Once the conflict starts to intensify, ask yourself: "Do I really want this conflict?". Chances are your answer is "No". Exhale and present themselves in the future, one hour after this second. Imagine that taking a shower, or relaksiruete in bed reading a book. Or imagine that you are on the moon, and on top of looking at your conflict with the child. Is this a quarrel worth of time and nerves, and your baby? Surely not.
Do not defend your behavior, listen to the child. Parents tend to think that they know the correct answers to all the questions, especially during the fights with the kids. Allow yourself to doubt the correctness and listen respectfully point of view of the child. The fact that we have authority over children, does not mean that their words do not have the truth, the psychologist said. Son or daughter can often rationalize their behavior, but for this they need to provide an opportunity to speak out and try to understand them.
When a child accuses you of unfair treatment, avoid confrontation, defending his behavior. Ask why he thinks so. Perhaps the reason is jealous to the youngest son or daughter, or a way to draw your attention that the kid for some reason it is not enough.
Give your child a partial autonomy. Imagine how helpless a child can feel when parents monitor his every move, they say when you wake up, sleep, eat, and even how to talk. Not surprisingly, the kids want a little freedom to determine their own destiny.
"Even my 4 year old son Liam hysteria begins, when I choose him without dessert. "Dad! I want to choose myself! "- the professor said. So next time, when a child asks to leave it for another hour with friends, do not just say "No". Ask why a son or daughter want to. Listen to the explanation and give your child a choice: "If you be late tonight, tomorrow you have to go to bed early. How will you do? "
Avoid repeated conflicts. If you follow and analyze argument with your child, you will notice that the causes of the conflict are repeated. For example, you ask to remove the toy, the child says, "Okay," and does not fulfill the promise. This consequently leads to conflicts. When you have found the template causes of conflict, your job is to change their actions. For example, do not scold the child for failure to comply with requests, and ask him for advice on how to solve this unpleasant situation for all. So you will bring a son or daughter of a dialogue and pave the way for solving the problem.
And be sure to uznate 9 signs that distinguish ordinary parents from "toxic".
