Why does the crisis of 3 years occur? What does he teach the child? How should parents act in order not to break it? Psychologists answer these questions
Why there is a crisis of 3 years
Where does the root cause of "fighting" come from?
“By the age of 2.5-3 years, a person forms a “I”, a certain life position. But at the same time, the child is still too small to manage it at every moment of his life, to make decisions like adults: mom and dad. Hence the dissatisfaction with the state of affairs, its significance and role. This conflict between “I want” and not always “I can” awakens in the child a warrior who defends his independence, self-reliance, and even dominance, is trying to change the established rules of the game set by mom and dad. After all, life for a child is the same game as everyone else, ”explains Tatiana Mikheenko.
“The task of parents is to recognize the manifestations of the crisis in time, and not to attribute them to harm or manipulation, but to help the child live through the stages of the crisis with benefit,” Elena Lukyanenko agrees with her colleague. “If you do everything right, then you will end up with a super-child: disciplined, independent, with enviable willpower.”
Seven Manifestations of a Crisis
Negativism
The child denies not so much what they ask / say, but because this or that adult does it. This sign is especially clearly visible to a non-specialist (which are mom and dad) - when the baby “doesn’t give a damn” for one hundred percent reasonable arguments and suggestions. At the same time, with the most important people, and this is most often - mother - this sign is most acute.
What is the child learning. The period of negativism is the time when the child learns to say the word "no". And the ability to refuse - oh, how useful to him in life.
Actions of parents. There is no need to switch it, as before, to chat or order (sometimes this happens). Let it be “according to him”, unless it threatens the life and health of the baby or other people (for example, eating washing powder). And if we are talking, say, about visiting a kindergarten, in which the "unwanted" is not going to go, then formulate your proposal so that any choice of the child is in your favor. For example: “Are we going to ride a bike or take a minibus / go through the park today?”.
Shouting will get you nowhere / istockphoto.com
2. Stubbornness
The child insists on something, and sometimes contrary to sound logic and even his own desires, just because "he already said so." Already I would be glad to replay everything back, but this will mean defeat.
What is the child learning. Concentrate on the goal - "I decided so." And in the future, if you teach him, then achieve its implementation.
Actions of parents. Teach your child to separate whimsical desires from useful ones. Wants to brush your teeth with your brush, explain why this is not possible. But he wants to jump from the highest step on the threshold of the house, warn what this is fraught with, insure, and... let him carry out his plan. That is, make it clear to the baby that you respect his right to choose.
3. obstinacy
At first glance, this is a mixture of negativism and stubbornness. But the denial in this case is not directed against a specific adult, but is a protest against the way of life of a child vaccinated by parents. The difference from stubbornness, which is related to a specific situation (“whether or not I will go there now”) is that the child rebels against all norms a priori.
What is the child learning. The ability to think and make informed decisions. After all, if earlier he did “this” or “that” because his parents taught him. Now he must accept the rules of life consciously and understand why it is so and nothing else.
Actions of parents. Remove redundant restrictions. Often obstinacy is just a facet of curiosity. Do not be nervous - the established rules will now be violated with enviable regularity, better - be patient. The child will test their reasonableness. And you just have the opportunity to introduce new ones, which will contribute to the health and development of the child. Let's say, if earlier you brushed your teeth every other time and without paste, now by drawing a diagram of absorption by microbes teeth and explaining the mechanism of caries, you can accustom the baby to the procedure with paste and each evening.
4. willfulness
The child wants to try his hand at various spheres of life and “I myself!” appeared in his vocabulary.
What is the child learning. Develop your skills and learn new ones.
Actions of parents. In no case do not limit this desire, if it again does not threaten health (say, drain boiling water from pasta yourself). But if you turn the pancake over, then under your careful supervision and unobtrusive guidance - please. If we are talking about dressing, then also do not grab to “pack” the baby yourself, just to be quick. Just start getting ready 20 minutes earlier so as not to be late, but so that the child has the opportunity to calmly put on what he already can and wants on his own.
Tantrums are a common occurrence in a 3 year crisis / istockphoto.com
5. Depreciation
In fact, it sets in motion the above mechanisms of the crisis. If a child's parents' opinion is devalued, negativism arises, old rules - obstinacy, etc.
What is the child learning. All of the above skills. But most importantly - he discovers the world anew.
Actions of parents. Don't resist. He doesn’t want his beloved buckwheat - praise how delicious rice is and offer mouth-watering dishes from it. I fell out of love with a book about cars, offer folk tales. That is, for any depreciation, offer an alternative.
6. rebellion
This is both a stage and a way to achieve your goal at the same time. The child screams, may hit or call names, cries. And all this not only for the slightest reason, but most importantly - without it.
What is the child learning. Show emotions, communicate, constructively get out of an unpleasant situation. But on the condition, of course, that his parents teach him all this.
Actions of parents. Therefore: in no case do you yourself go on screaming and hysterical tirades, even if the child called you names, hit you. The parent must strictly (!) express his dissatisfaction with the behavior of the child (not with him!), using facial expressions and words. If the "storm" is repeated, the child should be seated on a chair to consider his behavior. After a couple of minutes, hug him and once again calmly discuss why he was wrong. In such a peaceful state - in your arms - he is ready for "lessons". Take a toy and act out a scenario of a situation that caused a tantrum, but which should not have happened, manage the “toy” to conduct a dialogue. For example, a cat toy wanted candy before eating. But then his stomach would hurt. Does the cat want two pieces? Okay. Shall we? Yes, we will. But first he must eat supper. Do you hear, kitty? Did you stomp? Who is first: a cat or our boy? Thus, the baby learns to negotiate.
7. Despotism
“No, you won’t cook dinner!”, “I said that you won’t go to work today!” - another sign that your "commander" is in crisis.
What is the child learning. Insist on your own, set the rules of the game, do not be afraid of leadership.
Actions of parents. More often play "parent-child", where you play the role of a baby, obeying your "daddy". Give the child the right to make part of the family decisions (feasible for his age): will we go to such or such a place for a picnic? If the child infringes on the interests of others (say, “Don’t take my brother in your arms!”), Explain why it will not be for him (“He still drinks mother’s milk, and it’s time to feed him”). However, remember that despotism can only be a sign of unmet urgent needs. baby - let's say mom devotes little time to him: then find all the same time for your future president.
You will also be interested in reading:
How to calm a child - 4 parenting secrets from Kate Middleton
“I always sniff her”: Polyakova shared the secrets of raising her daughter
World education: how children are raised in different countries
