Not everyone succeeds after the wedding to build relationships not only with the second half, but also with her numerous relatives. It is good if relatives do not interfere with their advice and help, do not teach life and do not try to control. But what if it's the other way around? How to protect the boundaries of your family?
Sveta, 28 years old:
“We have been married for a little over five years, we have a daughter. Everything in the family is good, only the husband’s relatives are constantly asking for something, then take them somewhere, then give money for something. Unfortunately, the husband often neglects the interests of his wife and daughter, wasting time and money on sisters and parents. I'm for help, but adequate. But a husband can settle some distant relative with us or break loose in the middle of the night to his mother to replace a burned-out light bulb while his father is on duty. Sometimes I feel like some kind of empty place!”
A very common situation. And here you need to learn to negotiate with your spouse, to convey to him that he is responsible not only for his relatives, but also for his child and wife. It is also important to discuss family boundaries with the man in order to decide which of the relatives will enter, and with whom it is better to keep a distance. I think that in this situation, the relatives go too far, as if they want to return him back to his father's house, interfere in his personal life, and are not very related to the new family of the man.
Masha 28 years old:
“I am just shocked by the behavior of my mother. She can come to us at any time without a call, start rummaging through the refrigerator, checking what we eat, asking personal questions, the answers to which do not concern her at all. And the mother-in-law seems to copy her beginnings, only she constantly condemns that I cook incorrectly, spend a lot of money and generally go at home in too revealing outfits ”
And here the parents simply could not accept the fact that the children grew up and now they decide how to live. They shamelessly violate the personal boundaries of children, showing them how to live right and how not. Adult children do not need guidance! And most likely here the parents have their own life very boring and monotonous, they cannot fill it with anything, and therefore they begin to climb where they don’t need to. It is worth treating this behavior of parents with understanding, but still you cannot tolerate gross interference in your life. It is important to show character, agree on the time of the visit, clearly define the personal boundaries of the family, without rudeness and reproaches. So that parents do not react to everything so painfully, you need to call them daily yourself, tell them about everything that interests them. And you can try to make the life of parents more eventful, for example, give a subscription to a fitness club, sign them up for excursion, or maybe even send them on a trip, if we are talking about elderly parents, then it is worth teaching them how to use gadgets and the Internet.
Anna 39 years old:
“My husband’s parents are wealthy, and they constantly help us with something, my parents are simple, and they don’t have such an opportunity. My husband constantly blames me for this. I think this is voluntary. And I am closer to the position of my relatives, who believe that if we started a family, we should achieve everything ourselves and not wait for financial assistance from our parents. And I don’t understand why the mother-in-law constantly remembers how much she did for me and my husband, if her impulses are from the heart!
Katya, 32 years old:
“I have an older sister, we are 15 years apart. I am very grateful to her that she raised me, spent money on me, bought different things and toys. But lately she's been acting out of character. She constantly remembers in some conflict situations how much she did for me and how much she spent on me. I thought that she did it from the bottom of her heart to help, to please, but apparently she just tried to humiliate me and take control over me. Now I communicate less with her, because she brazenly gets into my family, indicates what I need to do and what to do, pretends to be a queen who is older, which means wiser. By the way, she has the same relationship with her parents. Mom and dad are already elderly, their pension is not so big, but they have enough. The sister comes to visit them, and buys all sorts of delights, clothes, sweets that parents would never have bought for themselves. And then, if her mother says something objectionable to her, she begins to accuse her of ingratitude!”
It's good when parents help their children just from the bottom of their hearts, the same situation with sisters, brothers, aunts, grandmothers and etc. But it’s another matter when in response they demand a report on the spending of money, they are sure that they are now owed, they interfere in life relatives. It turns out such control: "We gave you, now you have to do as we say." And there is no concern here, there is a desire to assert its significance with the help of strict control. The most important thing in this situation is to agree with the spouses, but you should not sort things out with relatives. Think about it, maybe it’s not worth taking money and other help if you can do everything yourself? Or try to help in some way in return. Appreciate that you are helped, but do not feel dependent. Do not let your family be too intrusive and interfere with your family life. Keep your distance.
Olya, 30 years old:
“My husband and I have a good income, we fully provide for ourselves, help our relatives. But his mom drives me crazy. I do not mind giving her extra money for food, clothes, even a communal apartment, but she has already become lazy in the region. She just turned 50, she does not want to work, she is far from retirement, and her requests are very immodest. She believes that her son is obliged to support her, but she herself won’t lift a finger, she doesn’t help us in any way, and she didn’t help, she doesn’t come to her grandchildren. Often they pour mud on me when I stand up for the defense of the budget. When she runs out of money, she starts to quarrel with all the neighbors. My husband has already been called several times, she does it on purpose. As you give her money - silence. And he constantly calls his son with the words: “Are you at home? Are you all right?" It's just awful!"
Yes, we can help relatives if we can, but we don't have to! Sometimes relatives begin to abuse kindness and simply turn into lazy fish-sticks. If relatives are only interested in your finances, but they do not participate in solving your problems, this is manipulation. And you need to be tough, learn to say no, even if it seems to you that you can offend with your own words.
Do you have similar situations in your life? How do you deal with it?
The original article is posted here: https://kabluk.me/psihologija/nazojlivye-rodstvenniki-i-sposoby-zashhity-ot-nih.html