Why does it happen that when you allow a person to be himself, he does not allow it to you? You accept a person as he is, with his shortcomings and habits, but you yourself are forced to pretend, to be completely different from who you feel yourself to be.
Does the person see that you are giving him the right to be himself and does he appreciate it? If he appreciates, then this is good, and if not, then you can try to solve the problem through communication. Just ask a person these questions, without aggression and raids, otherwise he will perceive this as an attack and will defend himself. It is important to learn how to defend your personal space. Here is one example: “Last time we did what you wanted, this time we will do what I want. Do I have a right to this?"
A similar question is usually followed by the answer that yes, you can also have desires, but more often than not, discontent or resentment appears next. And you have to be ready for a challenge if you want to express yourself. You have a choice - either you always do what the other person wants, or you show yourself and do what you like. You will have to endure an evil look, displeased sniffing, and, in the case of women, even tantrums.
It is always more expensive for a person to save himself, especially for women. Because it often happens that ladies begin to lose themselves as soon as they enter into a relationship. The men begin to crush them. Women dissolve in their feelings. And after a while, the realization comes: “Am I living right? Is this my life? Am I in my place? What do I really want? Where are my desires, my interests, my dreams?” And, if children appeared, then the woman dissolves in them, and completely forgets about her interests.
And you must always choose yourself. Think, what are you doing for yourself, in order to change your own life? And be prepared for the fact that the person you are next to, say, a partner, friend or child, will be dissatisfied with the changes that will begin to happen to you. Perhaps the person will even simply disappear from your life!
If it is easier to define your personal boundaries with strangers, then with loved ones, it is sometimes very difficult to do this. And from year to year, many fail to fix anything, it begins to become a style of behavior and interaction.
You can always say to a stranger: “Get out of here, don’t call me again,” but, can you say that to your mother? And it turns out that, for example, she calls you, and you hang on the phone, instead of running about your business. Because you don't want to offend your loved one. The main thing here is without aggression. You need to clearly define your boundaries, and not allow anyone to cross them, even mothers, even children. Warn people in advance that you will be busy, that you will not be able to talk on the phone, that you will not be able to meet with them, give them time. Be persistent in your words, but do not go overboard.
In this situation, the most important thing is to realize yourself, to understand that you infringe on yourself in communication with loved ones. You live for them, helping them, doing what they want, but completely forget about your own desires. Therefore, the most important thing is to build personal boundaries so that you have the opportunity to do what you want, so that you can be yourself. And then there will be no more room for resentment.
Tell me, why is it so difficult for you to be yourself? Most likely because you are trying to please others, right? That is, you are in captivity of someone else's opinion. Then you can try one exercise. You just need to periodically take people out of their comfort zone. Yes, they won't like it. If you intend to cause negative feelings in others towards yourself, then it will be quite the opposite of what you wanted to like. And this is a really powerful exercise on the way to yourself!
The original article is posted here: https://kabluk.me/psihologija/kak-ostavatsya-samim-soboj-kogda-blizkie-etogo-ne-pozvolyajut.html
