How to cope with a pregnancy loss - advice from a psychologist

The loss of a child during pregnancy is a severe stress for any woman, regardless of the period during which the loss occurred. Unfortunately, in modern society this problem is usually hushed up. And even worse - the pain and suffering of a woman is leveled by the words "still give birth" or "it should have been." And some doctors even manage to remember about "natural selection". Naturally, it doesn't get any easier from such words.

Often women themselves prefer to hide grief within themselves and refuse to live it. But the unlived emotion is “conserved”, and then this “conserved” can cause depression, severe migraines, and various psychosomatic diseases. How can you help in this case? How to support a loved one and what absolutely should not be done? She told about this within the framework of the week in support of perinatal losses, which is now taking place in Ukraine.

psychologist Maria Malykhina on the Youtube channel "School of Women's Health with Natalia Silina".

Perinatal losses: what they are

The concept of perinatal loss today includes several points, explains Maria Malykhina. These are losses directly during the gestation of a child: if there was a developing pregnancy, and it is interrupted either freezing of the fetus, or because of the onset of involuntary labor. This can happen from the moment of conception until the birth of the child.

Also, perinatal losses include situations when a child dies directly in childbirth. This is an incredibly difficult moment, because a woman goes into childbirth with the task of giving a new life. In addition, perinatal losses also include deaths of a child in the first year of life. Because, for example, premature babies can be born and survive, but due to deep prematurity, the child dies later.

“Recently, the concept of infertility has also been included in perinatal losses. Although in society nowhere is infertility treated as the fact that a woman has lost something. But there is the concept of physical loss, and there is the concept of psychological loss: when we lose the expected future, we lose part of our identity - as a mother, as a woman who can give life to a new man. The most wrong attitude I face in perinatal losses is towards women with infertility. "

- emphasizes Maria Malykhina.

Stages of grief during pregnancy loss

“The first phase is, of course, a shock,” says Maria Malykhina. - Then comes the stage of denial. The woman wants to see, listen to a different opinion, check again. Sometimes there can be a bargaining phase: let's do the examination again, inject some kind of injection, and everything will work out. This is followed by a phase of deep grief. This phase can last for several months, and only after it the woman begins the stage of returning to life. A full cycle from shock to recovery takes a woman from six months to a year. "

In addition to the phases of grief in perinatal loss, there is such a thing as an anniversary. There can be two anniversaries. The first is the preliminary date of birth, which can work as a trigger, resurrecting all experiences and suffering. The woman already feels that she is returning to life, but the onset of PDD can throw her back into the experience of grief. The second anniversary is the day the event took place. This can include what is called imprinting. A woman can be returned to a loss by the same weather, a similar environment, smells, sounds, clothes that were on her.

Pregnancy loss residence rules

No matter how a woman locks her emotions and feelings inside herself, it is very important to survive the loss of pregnancy, otherwise in the next pregnancy she may have additional anxieties and fears. The most important rule for losses at any time is to say goodbye to the departed child and let him go psychologically.

“The farewell ritual can be different, depending on what happened,” notes Maria Malykhina. - If it was antenatal fetal death after 22 weeks, according to the protocols, the child's body is given to the parents for burial. This is very important to do, because this is the ritual of farewell. It cannot be deleted, it must be accepted. "

If pregnancy loss has occurred in the early stages, the woman still has some kind of confirmation that the child was. This can be a two-strip test, or an ultrasound scan. You can symbolically say goodbye to these things - for example, bury or tie to a balloon, letting go into the sky.

“For some it may seem like a game, but there are rituals of farewell to the dead in all cultures. There is a deceased here. No matter how much he was, but he was and he died ",

- emphasizes the psychologist.

How to help loved ones hold a woman after a loss

Every woman goes through the mourning phase differently. There are two types of people: someone needs to talk about their pain all the time, and someone lives grief within themselves. “In the first case, relatives should never stop the flow of words and remind the woman that she has already said this many times. A woman should talk about it as much as she needs. This is her experience of grief, - notes Maria Malykhina. - In the second case, on the contrary, you cannot press a woman with questions and force her to pronounce what is happening inside. Sometimes it is enough to sit down and be silent next to you. Attunement helps: you can sit in the same way, fold your arms and breathe in unison. "

It should be borne in mind that it is far from always her man can support a woman. “For a man, the realization of a woman’s pregnancy comes much later than for a woman herself. Therefore, in the early stages of loss, he may not even understand the causes of grief, and this often becomes the cause of conflicts, ”says the psychologist. But in the later stages of perinatal loss, a man and a woman may have different ways of living grief. For example, a woman needs to speak, and a man needs to be silent. In this case, the partner simply cannot physically listen to the woman. And here a third person should come to the rescue.

Be sure to assess the general condition of the woman so as not to miss the moment of transition of mourning to depression. “One of the main signs of depression is indifference to vital needs,” explains Maria Malykhina. - This is sleep, food (weight loss or gain), lack of interest, basic things in self-care: a woman does not comb, brush her teeth, and does not change clothes. If a woman goes to work, performs her usual daily duties, but at the same time cries in the evenings - this is normal. This does not need to be extinguished, you need to give her time. "

Phrases-taboo in the loss of pregnancy

Very often, not only strangers, but even relatives and friends, in their sincere desire to support a woman, use words that only make things worse. You need to remember the phrases-taboo, and try not to use them in conversation. An inadvertently dropped word can hurt a woman, act as a trigger and spin the flywheel of memories, or even make her feel guilty about what happened.

• "If you", "if you did not" - the most dangerous phrases that shift responsibility for what happened to a woman. With these words, you can easily drive her from mourning into depression and neurosis.
• "You are young, you will give birth again" - with these words, the comforter tries to shift the focus of the woman's attention to the future, however, thereby leveling her real real loss and devaluing her grief.
• "You already have a child" - another way to devalue feelings from loss, because no child, no matter how much they love him, can replace the one whom a woman has lost
• "He must have been sick", "that's for the best" - according to statistics, the majority of early miscarriages is a natural selection of nature, which “weeds out” fetuses with genetic abnormalities; however, it is not worth saying such words as a consolation
• "It's good that you are not used to it", "better sooner" - indeed, grief often differs from the timing of the loss; however, this does not mean that a woman needs to "get used" to her child in order to feel the pain of loss more.
• "This is a trial / punishment for sins" - not only is this phrase absurd, there is a direct accusation against the woman; this should never be said under any circumstances

You will also be interested to read:

Pregnancy after miscarriage: an experience that is usually kept silent

Complete it all: 5 star survivors of the loss of a child