Why does a child not like being praised. Why praise is needed, what types of it are, and how to praise a child correctly in order to increase his self-esteem
Discussions about whether or not it is necessary to praise a child have been conducted in the parent environment for several years. Moms and dads were divided into two camps. Some families believe that it is impossible to form an adequate self-esteem in a child without praise, while in other families they believe that frequent praise puts a kind of “crown” of excessive self-confidence on the baby. The truth, as always, is somewhere in between. Praise should be in moderation and better "for the cause." But what if the child does not accept the praise at all? We found the opinion of a psychologist on this matter and tried to figure out how to properly inform the child about his achievements.
The child does not like praise: what is the reason
A child may run away from praise due to self-doubt / istockphoto.com
You praised the child for the beautiful drawing, and in response he gave you a prickly "I didn't try". You were delighted with his excellent test result, and he dismissed it: "it happened." You hug him for helping around the house, and he pulls out of his arms and shouts "stop it, or I won't be there anymore." Why doesn't your child want or like to receive praise, and what should parents do about it?
According to psychologists, first reason such behavior is shyness.. Some babies from birth do not like it when a lot of attention is drawn to them. Introverts by nature, they would rather step aside than shine in the rays of their own glory. But it also happens that shyness appears in a child with age. In the period of 8-11 years, children begin a period of separation from their parents. For some, it goes more or less smoothly, while others begin to be ashamed of adult family members. Praise works like an annoying factor here. The child wants to be left alone.
The second reason - this is low self-esteem and the child's lack of confidence that he is worthy of praise. Many different factors can lead to this, but the main one is the abundance of criticism from parents towards the child, I am convinced psychotherapist Mikhail Romashkevich. If from the very childhood the child was constantly pointed out what he was doing wrong, by school age he formed a strong belief that he was not capable of anything. If such a child succeeds, he is convinced that this is not his merit. And praise evokes in him not pleasure, but a feeling of guilt.
Third reason - this is the fear of success and the fear of bringing disappointment to parents. Children who have set high standards since childhood suffer from this. They perceive any praise not as a result of their achievements, but as an "advance" that must be justified in the future. If the child draws a really beautiful drawing, he will think that the next one should be even better. Therefore, the delight of his parents will hang over him like a sword of Damocles. Such sensations in psychology are considered to be the harbingers of the "neurosis of success."
Fourth reason can be conditionally called "the spirit of contradiction." In this case, the child does not refuse praise, but after it begins to do everything possible to show that you did it in vain. For example, if you praise a child that he has removed the toys - in response to this, he turns over the box with Lego. You noted that he dressed quickly - and the child, on the contrary, begins to be capricious and refuses to go out. Most often this happens in families where parents abuse praise and scatter the "good" and "clever" left and right. The child gets tired of being “absolutely good” and shows that he can be anything.
How and for what it is right to praise a child
Praising a child is not necessary for personal qualities, but for diligence / istockphoto.com
Not praising a child at all is not an option. Correct praise raises self-esteem, instills in the child self-confidence and motivates him to new achievements. At the same time, you need to learn to determine how and for what it is better to encourage a child with a kind word.
Psychologists distinguish two types of praise - personal and constructive. Personal praise is aimed at the personal qualities of the child and emphasizes his external and internal, physical and mental advantages over other children. Usually such praise sounds like “you are the smartest”, “you are the most beautiful”, “you are the best at drawing”, “you read the fastest”, “you are the best at English”. Often it breaks out from the parents involuntarily, but at the same time it does not have a very good effect on the child.
This type of reward is devoid of motivation: it leads to the fact that the child begins to take his achievements for granted. It turns out that mathematics is given to him not because he tries to remember the rules, but because he is the smartest. On the other hand, the child constantly compares himself with others and at some point realizes that Vanya is smarter, Masha is more beautiful, and Vera reads faster. This instills chronic self-doubt in the child's soul: not only does he not correspond to your ideals, but he also does not understand how this can be corrected.
Constructive praiseon the contrary, it is aimed at the achievement of the child. The parent does not praise himself, but what he has done. For example, “you are great for preparing for the test for so long”, “you tried so hard to draw this wonderful drawing "," I know it was not easy to remove all this "," thanks for taking the time and helping me with home ". Such praise not only emphasizes that the child has achieved the result with his work - which means that he is worthy of admiration. She also reveals his potential, encourages him to move on in order to achieve more.
In addition, constructive praise is very difficult to refuse. If your child doesn’t like to be praised, start by simply state that he’s working on the result. Believe me, anyone, even the most "prickly" tomboy, will be pleased that you noted his efforts. He will not find a catch here and will not think that you need something from him. Also, this kind of praise will be good prevention of low self-esteem and self-doubt. The main thing is not to abuse: the phrase "you tried so hard" is inappropriate where the child did not make any effort.
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The child says that he is bad: what to do and when to go to a psychologist
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