We are used to thinking that death is always a tragedy. But some are ready to absolutely honestly admit that when someone from their relatives passed away, it became easier for them. Someone felt relief, someone was pacified, someone was liberated... Yes, it happens, it's just not customary to talk about it.
Really, to tell such a truth means to admit your heartlessness? No! Sometimes you can and even need to admit it!
"If I hadn't loved, I would not have suffered with her for such a long time."
Here is Anton's story. He is 58 years old and buried his wife a year ago. For seven years, a man has been caring for a woman suffering from dementia. At first, Olga (Anton's wife) asked him for forgiveness, for the fact that so many worries now fell on him. Then her memory disappeared, but Anton did not take offense at his wife for the fact that she stopped recognizing him. It got harder and harder, and Anton even had to hire a nurse. And, even when Olga called her sister and said that her husband had brought another woman into the house, he was not offended by her.
When Olga died, Anton felt relief, and still there was a feeling of guilt. He says that in the last year he began to want his wife to die as soon as possible. And now a similar thought haunts him. Anton does not understand how he really treated his wife. If he did not love her, he would not have suffered with her for such a long time. And if he did, would he wish her death?
Psychologists say there is no contradiction in this. A person's suffering is a double pain, one of a sick person, the other of those who are with him in his last years / days of life. And the inevitable is the desire to quickly get rid of this pain.
Why reproach yourself if until recently you were close to your loved one? You did your best. There is also the phenomenon of pre-grief. When a person is dying, but alive, and his loved ones are already experiencing the pain of loss. At one point, there is some kind of indignation: well, when already? There is no shame in such thoughts, these are completely normal experiences when the suffering lasts for a long time. Do not blame yourself for this!
It became good and free
The liberation that comes after the death of a loved one is getting rid of negative relationships with the departed. Anya understood this when her mother died. In her family, her mother has always been the main one, she was early widowed and took care of children herself. The older sisters, realizing my mother's tough authoritarian nature, quickly jumped up in marriage and flew out of the nest. And her mother made Anya the “main child,” whom she was not going to let go of. Anya felt that her mother expected a lot from her, felt responsible for her mother's mood. But she didn't have a life of her own. She only fulfilled the requirements of her mother. For example, I always wore dresses and heels to look like a “real woman”.
Anya was already 28 years old when a former classmate offered her to rent an apartment together. And Anya agreed, moved out from her mother. And my mother died after 2 years. Then Anya began to feel a sense of responsibility for the death of a loved one, blame herself for leaving her mother alone, that she was not with her until the last. And then she suddenly felt relieved. She no longer needs to worry about whether her mother will like her words and actions or not, she does not need to wear heels and dresses. It became good and free.
Now Anya was able to become herself. Some time after the death of her mother, she married a good man, gave birth to a daughter. The husband was the first person to whom Anya was able to tell about her difficult relationship with her mother and about her strange feelings after her death.
The first thought in her head was: "Well, finally!"
And here is the story of forty-year-old Katya. She lived with Mikhail for only 2 years, and, already being pregnant with his son, decided to divorce. Mikhail drank too often and too much, was an alcoholic, and each of his breakdowns after the set was even more terrible and terrible. The couple broke up, but Katya loved Mikhail so much! They talked a lot on the phone, the woman helped him with money, sometimes pulled him out of the police. And then the man became little alcohol, and he became addicted to drugs. Katya went through a lot of grief, so when they called her and said that her ex-husband had committed suicide, the first thought in her head was: “Well, finally!”.
It was not even a relief, but a release. You no longer need to listen to complete nonsense on the phone at night, no need to cover your husband in front of his poor mother, saying that her son is on a business trip, you no longer need to give him money, pull him out of the police or take him out of narcology. And you no longer need to be afraid that someday the father will remember his son and come... Now it is easier for Vika to live, but she thinks about why she could not save her ex-husband.
Psychologists say that after the loss of a loved one, a wide range of emotions and a lot of thoughts can appear, including those described above. And they recommend not to understand these very thoughts, and not to analyze them at first. Understanding will come a little later.
Sometimes the death of a loved one really brings relief. Do not be afraid of your feelings, just accept them, and do not blame yourself for anything! If you have emotions and thoughts that seem somehow wrong, no one has the right to blame you for them!
The original article is posted here: https://kabluk.me/zhizn/inogda-smert-prinosit-oblegchenie-oblegchenie-rodnym-i-blizkim.html
