This does not happen, so in a couple never had any conflicts. After all, even passionately loving people sometimes disagree or irritate each other. And this is perfectly normal. The situation becomes more complicated when a child in the house, because we, as conscious parents, try not to quarrel in front of him. Is it correct?
Psychologists say that the showdown could and should be at the baby. But only if you do it correctly. From a textbook on psychology we learn that conflicts are of two types - constructive and destructive. Destructive clearly a bad influence not only on children but also on those who have their picks Children who watched the destructive conflicts - with threats, the use of physical force, insulting words and slamming doors - are at risk of developing depression, anxiety, prone to aggression and systematic violation of discipline and social norms order. Design - can even be useful for psycho-emotional development of the baby.
The scientific evidence. For the child's family - the whole world. And when he hears his parents arguing their world is falling apart and they can not feel secure, the world scares them. In contrast, in cases where the parents, instead of yelling at each other, suited to the dispute constructively. Such children grow more tolerant, inclined to defend their opinions and respect of others.
Such a conclusion was made by scientists, psychologists, according to a study led by Grant Adam, conducted by specialists of Rochester and the University of Notre Dame in 2009. The test was attended by 253 families with children between the ages of five to seven years. Within three years of their parents fixed family conflicts and their outcomes (sometimes quarrel recorded on video). After analyzing the data, the researchers concluded that the children of the family who practiced constructive conflict grew more empathic, responsive and clearly demonstrates the so-called pro-social behavior - friendliness, sociability, ability to work in a team and come to help.
"Instead of trying to conform to the opinions of other people, they are always rely on their own independent judgment," - said psychology professor Adam Grant. The expert says that when parents behave constructively child understands that decisions are not made authoritarian mom or dad, and arise in the course of disputes and in the interests of all members of the family. A dispute - is not evil.
Scientists say: do not need to hide from the fact of children quarrel. They need to know that parents may not agree with each other. Also, the child will become a limiting factor in your dispute. You will not scream at him, insult each other, you have to choose the expression and reasoning skills. This will help you develop a healthy attitude to conflict and do without whipping dishes.
What not to do in front of a child?
1.Samoe basic - not draw the child into an argument, do not try to force him to take someone's side. Does not appeal to him, do not ask who he is now agreed and who has more love in principle. It only develop in him a feeling of anxiety in the present, and a sense of guilt in the future.
2. Also it is impossible to find out relations with the baby, if the matter concerns his behavior or parenting strategies.
3. Do not shout, do not call and do not humiliate the spouse argues its opinion. If you feel that you are about to fall through, just say so: "Now I can not continue this conversation, let's get back to this issue when both calmed down a bit."
How to translate quarrel in a constructive way?
Adam Grant argues that the quarrel is constructive enough to comply with the four simple rules:
1. Treat your spouse as a partner, not an enemy. Do not put a fight in open conflict, take it as a debate.
2. Do not consider his opinion as the only true. Perhaps you are mistaken. Argue as if you are right, but listen as if you're wrong, the psychologist calls.
3. Be respected to the point of view of the wife, and his feelings, even if you think he is wrong.
4. Accept loud moments, when you agree with the opposite side.
And be sure to ask, 5 thoughts which parents always ashamed to say aloud.
