No matter how hard it is after a divorce or separation, there comes a time when a woman decides: "It's time to move towards love." What steps to take, said psychologist Alena Kanyuka
Step 1. Reprogramming ourselves
The loneliness of a woman is primarily a consequence of negative attitudes, patterns instilled in childhood.
“For example, my mother or grandmother often said:“ All men are goats! They have only problems and no help. " Or the girl witnessed destructive relationships between parents, as a result, she does not know how to behave competently with the opposite sex, ”- says Alena Kanyuka.
Plays a role and what the girl heard in her address.
«At the age of 16, I somehow accidentally overheard a conversation between my grandmother and a neighbor. She asked if I was already dating someone. To which my grandmother replied: “No. Who needs it so much. " My tall stature did not fit into her understanding of beauty, and she sincerely believed that I had no chance of a happy personal life.", - Svetlana K. from Kiev recalls. This phrase crippled the woman's self-esteem so much that she did not notice the signs of attention that the boys showed. She just didn’t believe that anyone would like her.
“As a child, we receive a deep" firmware "of the psyche for life and it is best to unwind this ball of passions with a specialist: a psychotherapist or psychologist. But there is a method that will help you to find negative programs on your own, ”- thinks Alena Kanyuka.
Retire, take a piece of paper and write down in a column everything that you think about men or relationships. Write “on the machine”, without hesitation for a long time, the first thing that comes to mind. The most interesting thing, most likely, will not "shoot" from the first line. Then rewrite negative attitudes in a positive way. For example, “men create problems for me” to “men help solve my problems”, etc.
“And also our subconscious mind understands the commands that are written down especially well. Therefore, feel free to cross out all bad attitudes and write under them in capital letters: "Cancel!"- Alena Kanyuka advises.
How to get rid of loneliness and meet your love?
Step 2. Answer yourself honestly to the question: "Why do I need it?"
At first glance, everything is going well in the life of 40-year-old Victoria: high-status work, business trips abroad, her own apartment, her 5-year-old son, whom her mother helps to raise. In this picture of happiness, only one "puzzle" is missing - a man.
Before the birth of her son, she met for many years with a married "daddy". And now - for 5 years now - no serious relationship. Someone constantly appears on the horizon, but every time it is not the same. Moreover, Victoria found an interesting way to meet men. Due to the fact that she has little time, her mom maintains profiles on dating sites. She filters the candidates herself, conducts the first "interview", makes an appointment, but Victoria is already on her way.
In conversations with her friends, a woman often complains: “Others get to know each other, going out into the street to take out the garbage. Fate. And I keep going on these dates, and I just can't meet anyone sensible. " At the same time, he does not forget to add: “A husband is, of course, wonderful. But these socks, scattered around the apartment, are endless standing at the kitchen open-hearth. "
Alena Kanyuka believes that this story is a vivid example of infantile behavior that often happens in spoiled children.
“A woman can take place in a profession, but in a relationship with the opposite sex, take the position of a child. In this case, this is manifested in the fact that Victoria's mother chooses the candidates for dating. The fact that she expects a miracle without making any efforts to accomplish it ",- the psychologist comments.
And from all this, the question arises: does she really need a man. The following practice will help to answer it: ask yourself the question “Why?” Many times. For example:
- I need a man.
- Why?
- To love me?
-Why?
- To make me feel valuable.
-Why? etc.
And so, unraveling the tangle, you will get to your true need. For example, in this dialogue with oneself, one can see that a woman does not value herself. And here we have to work with her sense of self-worth.
Tell yourself honestly why you need a relationship.
Step 3. Raising self-esteem
The main signs of a woman's low self-esteem, according to Alena Kanyuka, are as follows:
- Imposing your "love", care, necessity, "sacrificial" flickering in the life of a man in the hope that he will notice, appreciate and bestow (love, attention, material benefits) according to his merits.
«Alas, reality turns out to be more prosaic - says the psychologist. - Most often, in such a contact, a man takes what is given to him, does not particularly worry about how much effort it cost a woman, and sets sail to other shores. As a result, disappointment in a man, confirmation of his worthlessness and hello loneliness! Or the other extreme, when a woman is no longer looking for anyone, resigns herself to her unworthiness, puts an end to her personal life».
2. Being overly concerned about what other people think of you. Behind this is the fear of condemnation, devaluation, etc. Installation: "I am bad, there is nothing to love me for."
3. The habit of postponing for later matters related to their own growth and development. Procrastination, perfectionism as a defensive reaction of the psyche to prevent new painful experiences from entering your life. It is better to create the illusion of action than to actually get new experience, learn from your mistakes.
4. Physical manifestations: increased anxiety, heart palpitations, increased sweating, gastrointestinal problems, wet palms, fussiness, etc.
5. Inability to say no in relationships, at work, etc. People with low self-esteem literally take on an unbearable burden in the hope that they will be noticed, appreciated, and loved for it.
Taking care of your body is a sign of high self-esteem
To improve a woman's self-esteem, you need to:
1. Work with a specialist on your negative attitudes from childhood. A psychologist, a psychotherapist is needed for high-quality, careful identification of negative programs and development of new healthy ways of interacting with oneself and the world. Having read it, having heard a lot of various psychological information without proper guidance, there is a risk of finally getting confused in their states and going into defensive reactions. Self-improvement is a long journey, not always pleasant, but necessary for quality growth.
2. Learn to redefine and defend your personal boundaries. Deliberately get out of the script form: "victim-aggressor-rescuer". Learn to put yourself and your interests first.
3. Accept, love yourself for the very fact of being born on this earth. You are so alone, already beloved and unique, and there will never be such a Woman again! You need to cast aside false shame, doubts and become your best loving friend! Let every morning begin with an ode to your beloved, with admiration for your body, in detail, centimeter by centimeter, study it, enjoy your touch. Fixation on the "imperfection" of the body is from the mind. Compliance with some established, changeable canons does not concern you. Learn to be free in your body and fill yourself with light and joy. Fix this feeling of freedom, jubilation from yourself!
Ask yourself the question, what does the wings grow behind your back? What activity do you like so much that you want to do it 24/7?
Surround yourself with resource people, situations, act - and life will sparkle with bright colors.
A woman with healthy self-esteem glows from within. She is not bored of being alone with herself. Moreover, she needs to periodically be alone in order to learn, study herself and be resourceful.
Step 4. Concretizing the "request"
Having dealt with your programs about relationships with men, desires and filling yourself resource, we begin to "feyachit" - to send information to the Universe, what kind of man you want to see next to you. “In psychology, this is called actualizing a request,” says Alena Kanyuka.
Remember that the subconscious mind does not perceive a particle of NOT, therefore we write: "slim" instead of "not fat", "rich" instead of "non-poor" etc.
“You need to choose someone with whom it is good, warm, calm, first of all, at the level of the body,” advises Alena Kanyuka. - Butterflies in the stomach, goosebumps and other zoo - this is about a rough invasion of your energy field! Often women take such feelings for the very "love" at first sight, but this is a big mistake. When a woman from childhood is accustomed to living in a stress mode, then in adulthood she subconsciously looks for a man who will provide her this sensual cocktail and often runs into representatives with mental disabilities: narcissistic narcissists, macho tyrants. A good man is calmness, reliability and real action for the good of the family! "
It will also be interesting for you to read:
Maintain or end a relationship? 7 questions for honest introspection
5 reasons for a woman to be alone after a failed marriage or divorce
6 psychologists' tips on how to deal with loneliness and change your life
