To go through a divorce, not to cross the field. Family psychologist Svetlana Roiz gives advice to women on how to recover after a divorce. Supportive phrases and tips to help restore peace of mind
* No, you didn’t let everyone down, you didn’t disgrace your family, nor did you betray your dream. Even if no one in your family has divorced before you.
* Difficult, difficult, crisis situations happen with very good people.
* We have the right to be happy and seek our own happiness. Always.
* Questions - rumination, which go in a circle and de-energize: Well, who will need me? can i love again? Can someone love me? Probably, something is wrong with me... it will always be like this... I can not trust anyone. I am not attractive, not sexy - it is important to replace it with Life - more than a crisis, more than a period of divorce. More than my fear. You can love me. I'm fine. My fear says that I (write out) and my brain, my Essence says (write what comes to mind).
* I deprived the child of his father, I am to blame - toxic thoughts. It is important for us to always choose - to change or not to live in a toxic environment. But it's important for yourself not to become toxic. And it is important to do what depends on us so that the contact between the child and the father is not lost. And give yourself the right to be happy. Happy, realized parents are important for a child, even if they do not live together.
Never blackmail your ex-husband with a child / istockphoto.com
* People (in personal or industrial) relationships break up, or after being able to thank each other, or, to cope with the load and allow themselves to separate, devalue what was for them important. It is important to allow yourself not to discount yourself and your partner.
* Helplessness and uncertainty is exhausting. The more clarity and the more aspects that we can influence, the more power we will have. What can I influence?
* Fear of the future is natural. We need time for the fog to clear. At that moment, when nothing is clear, nothing is visible - it is important to take very small, natural and understandable, even everyday steps.
* Shame is an introduced feeling. It is important to share responsibility for the situation with your partner. It's not a shame to go through a crisis. "What will people say"? - they don't care what to talk about.
* "Now so" - this phrase helped me and others to accept reality.
* Strengthen: Any crisis weakens. We have “basic puzzles” that are important to strengthen by ourselves or with guides - body, self-esteem, intellect, emotions, contacts, meaning.
* Respect. To yourself. To a partner. To the child. (yes, there are situations in which it is difficult and impossible to maintain respect for another)
* Please ask for help. Now we really need support. Who is your support circle? Who can you call, who can be near?
* Take small steps. When there is no strength for big steps, when there is no clarity - to do what is within our power, current.
* Asking for help - I'll write again! Emotional, physical, material. Asking to be with your child so that you can relax, go to a cafe, take care of yourself.
* Leave money to yourself! Save at least a little "FOR YOURSELF" from every fee and every salary
* Give yourself a break from being perfect. Now is definitely not the time for perfection.
* With a psychologist, if there is an opportunity - to show - to be aware of emotions, to clarify fears, to receive support.
Regarding the child (it is impossible to say with whom the child is better off, with dad or mom, how to arrange meetings more correctly, Whether to organize the child's life so that he can be with mom for 2 weeks, with dad for 2 weeks, all this can be said only by knowing family)
If the child lives with his mother:
* Identification: A child, in order to "complete" the missing part of the father, may try to "grow" the features of the father - he literally becomes more like a father. Similar in appearance and repeating character traits. It can be annoying, frightening, and stressful. It is important to remind yourself that you are my child. You and dad are different. You are you, he is him.
* Do not stoop to blackmail. The child should not be included in everything related to adult decisions and relationships. He cannot be held responsible for adults.
* If meetings with dad are safe - do not take revenge by depriving the child and father of the opportunity to meet.
* If a child expects a meeting for a long time, he may be overexcited after the meeting, this is natural. If the meetings are more frequent, more regular, if between the meetings the child will have contact with the dad by phone or in instant messengers, the tension will gradually subside. + you need to do rituals of transition from "system to system" - when meeting with a child, say "secret words", create rituals of meetings, hugs. Saying the words: You are at home. Perhaps, to accentuate - and now we put on house slippers, perhaps there will be our own "home ritual" - return - cocoa, lemonade ...
* You do not need to immediately ask the child how the meeting took place, what they did with dad - the child will feel tension. And either he will start to manipulate, or he will stop telling. The correct question is - did you have fun with your dad? Wait, the child will tell you what is important to him.
It is important for the child to give "tacit permission" - to TAKE from the dad, leaning on the dad, without bumping into the stress of the mom. "I'm glad that you and dad are good."
* The child can and should be told that adults can make mistakes.
* It is important to remember that the more guilt we have, the less strength we have to meet and get closer. Please, let's not build a relationship based on feelings of guilt.
* Do not prove your worth through a child
* When a child says: and dad loves me more, because he buys, allows.. ... we can answer - everyone shows their love in different ways. I just.
* Talking to the child sincerely - I'm scared to lose you, I'm sad now - I miss our my old life, the time is important for me to gather strength, I am tired and now it is very important for me relax. Let's dream about the future ...
* It is important for us to separate the concepts: "bad (possibly) husband" and "bad dad". You can be “wrong” man and woman for each other, but be wonderful parents. You can't deprive a child of this opportunity - to feel the power of the dad.
* What strengthens the child: Tell about how we met, that there is a lot of love in him, and what is most valuable in the child. And he will take the best from dad and mom. I am very sad and painful that this happened. But I can handle it and we can handle it. After all, everyone has the right to happiness. Me, and you, and your dad - even if not together, but we will be happy.
* Don't create a perfect father image. Just as it is not necessary to demonize it.
Don't lie that he's on Mars, on a business trip.
* The child is frightened by the unknown. We need to give him specific information - (about what we ourselves know) where he will live, sleep, study, how he will see dad.
* The child may behave differently. It is important for us to give the child time to adapt. His life has changed.
* Do not put a child over 8 years old with you in bed at night, (because we ourselves are lonely and scared)
* Missing Daddy: A child may have a fictional character
He can idealize or devalue dad.
He needs to be given the opportunity to talk to you about his father. In order not to disconnect him from the power that dad can give him.
It is important to give permission to love dad!
(if it's hard for you, and it can be hard - you can tell the child about this, but then work with a psychologist on this topic)
* Do not invest life in the child. Losing her meaning, her landmarks for a while, a woman can devote her life to a child - this is dangerous. For the child himself and for the woman.
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TOP-9 rights that women have after divorce - the lawyer advises